Sleep Deprived in Seattle

It’s 4:30 pm on Sunday. This is typically the time I start to dread Monday. No one wants to go to work after having a weekend of freedom to do or think of doing things they enjoy. This Sunday is different. This Sunday is the 4th day of unemployment. I’ve tried to take a few days for myself to unpack what happened and to allow myself to just breathe. Easier said than done, but I managed to do a little “relaxing” and unpacking.

Being in the middle of a pandemic, political turmoil, civil unrest, and literally having to breathe air that was toxic for a few weeks due to wildfires has proven to be “a lot” to deal with. But here I am wearing a sweater I wore yesterday (and if I’m being honest, I wore a few weeks ago and still have not washed) as well as the same comfy pants and socks . My hair is in a high ponytail, that has been laid on in all possible ways between a couch and bed. My grey hairs have begun to populate my head like COVID infections (is that statement in poor taste?), but my hair has been suffering since February due to two COVID haircuts by yours truly and honestly, I think it could look a lot worse. I still have yesterday’s makeup on and my skin is oily yet dry. I’m wearing my dark and moody glasses that have just enough smudges on the lenses to sometimes make me tilt my head to read this as I’m typing. Isn’t this what weekends are sometimes for though?

So, here I am. Now in my bed and watching Love Life with Anna Kendrick. It’s a show I overwhelmingly can relate to and has provided opportunities to take an real look at myself since I now have so much time. I’m..let’s see…1983…93…2003…2013…I’m 37 years old. This is what happens as you age. You forget how old you are. Ugh, so depressing. Anyway, I feel like the 20 year old version of Anna Kendrick’s character. I want to feel important. I want someone to look at me like I’m doing something important, but I’m now in my late 30’s and feeling like she did in her 20’s. And now I’m unemployed after 2.5 years with an office I worked really hard for. I’m frustrated, maybe a little angry, but mainly I’m scared. I’m scared of running through my savings to pay my bills. I’m scared of not being able to pay my bills once that runs out. I’m scared of having to rely on unemployment or that not being enough. Im scared of becoming financially ruined for the rest of my life due to 2020. I’m scared of having to start at square one again and take a position that’s “beneath me” and always taking three steps back after taking one step forward. I wanted to grow, learn and take on challenges, but unfortunately that wasn’t in the cards for 2020 (well, not in the way I was hoping).

I don’t even know my purpose is in writing this. I felt I could do with a little honesty about my situation as I’m sure there are others out there feeling this way. In this day and age, we all feel the need to display every bit of information, every thought, every feeling, every bit of word vomit into the interweb without thought or care. But with all of those things floating around for all to see, I don’t know how honest much of it is. My feeds are so full of nastiness and negativity…I think out of all of what 2020 has brought, it’s this aspect that makes me the saddest. It definitely makes me feel the loneliest. It takes away the hope. It makes my faith waiver.

So, the question remains. What am I going to do??? I often use my experiences from learning to cope with my parent’s deaths. Life keeps moving and so will I. I will continue to get up each morning. I will brush my teeth. I will shower and get dressed. I will do my dance fitness workouts because I need to get my blood flowing and because it makes me happy. I will cook and bake. I will decorate my apartment heavily with Halloween decorations. I will reach out to friends for support, for virtual Happy Hours, and to just say “Hi.” I will most likely battle depression and have days that will be difficult…and that’s okay. I will look for work and use my network to aid in finding a job as soon as possible. Ugh. Please. Please, God. Help me with that. It’s not a good feeling to be out of work, especially now. The thing is, I know there are a lot of people out there that are in a far worse situation than I am, so that makes me feel even worse for feeling sorry for myself. Deep breaths. This too shall pass.

My main focus right now is on all of the blessings I am fortunate enough to still have. Though my network is small out here, it is one that is made up of a lovely bunch of very special people. Their kindness, their support, their generosity, and their love are the things that lift me up and give me the ability to keep going. One foot in front of the other. It’s what gives me hope and preserves my faith. It’s what inspires me to keep trying even in the midst of failure.

And now it’s 6:00 pm. I ramble. It’s hard not to as I live alone. I think I’m going to put on a different pair of stretchy pants to go get my sweat on and then take a shower because I can sweat. A lot. So much so that when I go on all day hikes, I don’t need to pee because I sweat it all out. True story. Thanks for listening. My day old eyeliner and mascara thank you for not judging me too much. Love and light.

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